


All These Sorrows I Have Seen

by Nuanta



Series: As We Are [3]
Category: Hockey RPF
Genre: Anxiety, Depression, M/M, Relapsing, brains do terrible things to you at the worst of times
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-23
Updated: 2015-06-23
Packaged: 2018-04-05 18:23:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,308
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4190256
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nuanta/pseuds/Nuanta
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Just when things seem to be so much better, Jamie's brain finds ways to convince him that they're not.</p>
            </blockquote>





	All These Sorrows I Have Seen

**Author's Note:**

> Warnings: In this verse, Jamie suffers from depression following his hip surgery. It could be triggery for some people. I apologize in advance for that.
> 
> Recovery timeline might be skewed a little, as with some other things. It's also not edited, since this is pretty tough to write to begin with and I just don't have it in me to go through it again in depth.
> 
> Title taken from the song "Dream" by Imagine Dragons.

~o~

The recovery’s been smooth for the past month or so. There’ve been no setbacks, and Jamie’s responded well to all of his treatments and exercises. He’s right on pace, a little bit ahead of the projected return timetable, even, and he feels himself getting stronger every day. He hasn’t been cleared to start skating again yet, but he can feel it coming. _Soon_ , he tells himself as he pushes harder through his workouts, no abnormal bursts of pain present. _Things are good. Things are better. It’s coming soon._

Tyler’s been cranking up his summer training as well. They’ve synched up their schedules so that they can drive to the facilities together. Tyler hits the gym while Jamie goes through his general checkups with the head athletic trainer, Dave, and whatever other specialists they’ve got, and when it’s Jamie’s turn to work out, Tyler takes to the ice. It’s kind of on purpose and kind of not; Jamie and Tyler are used to pushing each other to be better, but Jamie can’t push the way he knows he’d want to if Tyler was next to him giving it his all. It’s safer this way, and Jamie’s chest has stopped feeling heavy when he thinks about it.

Even though they don’t actually see much of each other while they’re training, it’s been nice to know that Tyler’s always nearby. It’s nice to know that there’s always someone who’ll go for lunch with him afterwards, always someone to fiddle with the radio presets in the car, always someone who won’t leave without him.

Everything about Tyler being here is just so nice, and Jamie doesn’t really know how to express his gratitude other than to hug Tyler an extra second longer in the evenings, twine their fingers together when they’re on the couch watching Netflix, press his body into Tyler’s when they go to bed. When Tyler responds by maneuvering Jamie’s arms the way he likes them or leaning up to give Jamie a peck on the nose, it seems like he understands.

That’s why it comes as a shock the day Jamie finds himself resenting Tyler.

It all starts when Jamie’s finishing up a session with Dave. “Good work today,” Dave tells him with an optimistic smile. “You’re ahead of schedule. At this rate, you’ll be able to go for light skates around the time training camp starts.”

Jamie freezes for a minute. Training camp was only a couple of weeks away now. He knew that, of course, but he hadn’t really been keeping track as much as he should have. It had really snuck up on him.

Jamie starts when he realizes that Dave’s still talking. “Obviously, you won’t be participating, but you’ll be around the whole time. I’m sure you’ll want to scout out the new talents coming up.” Dave flashes a knowing smile.

“Uh, yeah,” Jamie says, nodding a bit mechanically.

“Great. See you Thursday.”

“Yeah. See you. Thanks.”

As Jamie leaves the office, he’s suddenly aware of how sluggish he feels, like he’s been bloated for days. On one hand, he’s ahead of schedule. He’ll finally be skating again in two weeks. But training camp is in two weeks, and he can’t take part in it. He hasn’t recovered quickly enough. He failed. Maybe he didn’t work hard enough. Maybe he should’ve tried to sync up his gym workouts with Tyler after all. Maybe Tyler will be Jamie’s eyes on ice. Maybe Tyler will be disappointed in Jamie that they won’t be on the ice together. Tyler’s lucky. He’s been completely recovered from his knee injury for what feels like months now. He’s already skating. Soon, when camp starts, he’ll get to skate even more. Jamie won’t be ready for that kind of skating. He’ll be weak still, when he starts back up again. No one wants to play with a weak skater.

_But I’m not a weak skater. This is just temporary._

Then again, wasn’t that why he was drafted so low, all those years ago? All the scouting reports wrote him off due to his poor skating abilities. Sure, he’d worked his ass off ever since in order to prove he could be a top-tier NHL player – and he did prove it, he’s an Art Ross winner and a team captain (the captain of a non-playoff team, and Jamie tries not to think about the miserable gutted sensation that lurches through him) – but. That all means nothing now, not with a new season about to begin. A new season that he might not even start in. A new season that’ll have his team on the ice without a fucking captain.

Maybe he shouldn’t be captain anymore.

In the very instant that thought crosses his mind, the alarm bells ring with it. Jamie staggers from a sudden wave of nausea and dizziness, and suddenly he can’t breathe.

_No, no, that’s not right, that can’t be right, no no no no no –_

“Jamie?”

He nearly jumps at the familiar voice behind him. When he turns around, Tyler’s come into the hallway, stepping towards Jamie with an inquisitive gaze.

“All right there, bud?” he asks.

Jamie nods, swallowing hard and hoping his heart rate will slow down soon. “Yeah,” he mumbles, tapping his temple briefly. “Just thinking.”

Tyler smiles warmly. “Lunch?”

Jamie bites his lip. Suddenly lunches with Tyler don’t seem so enjoyable anymore. Going out in general doesn’t seem so enjoyable anymore. He just wants to go home and take a nap and try to forget what Dave told him today.

“Nah, I’d kind of rather take it easy this afternoon,” Jamie says finally, words coming out on a heavy exhale.

Tyler frowns. “Everything all right?”

He’s gotten good at reading the signs, these days. Jamie suddenly wishes Tyler hadn’t spent most of the summer with him, so that he could get away with his moods again without distractions or interruptions. Suddenly, he wishes Tyler would go out on his own so Jamie could relax at home by himself. Tyler can do all sorts of things that Jamie can’t, after all.

His heart rate’s up again, and there’s a vile, bitter taste in his mouth that he can’t get rid of. He wishes it would stop. _Please, not this again. Please no. Not again, not now, please no._

“I’m just tired, Ty,” Jamie answers finally.

Tyler shoots him a weird look, squinting a little as he inspects Jamie’s face. He backs away a moment later, looking somewhat mollified. He reaches for Jamie’s hand, pulling them side by side to walk down the hall towards the exit.

Tyler won’t stop looking at Jamie, though. “If there’s something up, you’d tell me, right?” he asks.

Jamie turns away so he doesn’t have to see Tyler’s face. He squeezes Tyler’s hand briefly, wincing to himself when he realizes how sweaty his palm is.

“Yeah.”

_Except not this time._

~o~

Tyler doesn’t actually press the issue when they get back and Jamie spends the whole afternoon sprawled on the sofa. He gives Jamie his space, bustles around the house doing chores and making food or sitting on the opposite couch while he fiddles with his phone. Jamie’s glad for it, appreciative once more of Tyler’s ability to read him, but he kind of wishes Tyler would just leave. He’d never say it out loud, though, because Tyler would for sure know something was up if he did.

The entire evening, Jamie can’t stop thinking about Dave’s words, and their implications, only it’s as if he’s fighting his own brain, trying to keep it from following the logical progression to point out all the ways Jamie’s a failure. He doesn’t want this, doesn’t want to think about this, but it’s there, it’s unsettling, and it’s fucking terrifying. He turns his head into the couch so Tyler won’t ever see his eyes screwed shut, his jaw clenched. He hides his hands under a cushion so Tyler won’t ever see his fists clenched and trembling.

That night, Tyler cuddles up to Jamie in bed and it feels like Jamie’s suffocating. He waits for Tyler to fall asleep, keeping as still as possible in the meantime, and when Tyler’s breathing has turned light and even, Jamie gently extricates himself from Tyler and rolls over to the other edge of the bed.

He briefly contemplates going to the spare room, but he can’t bring himself to move. Instead, he clutches his pillow and breathes in deep, trying not to panic at the audible shakiness of his inhales.

Jamie’s not taking part in training camp. No matter what he does between now and then, the decision’s been made. There’s no point in sugar-coating it. Jamie wasn’t strong enough to be ready in time. Tyler gets to skate and Jamie doesn’t. Tyler is recovered and Tyler is stronger and Tyler’s probably so fed up of having to deal with a failure like Jamie and he could be having so much more fun this summer if Jamie hadn’t been such a massive fuckup.

His stomach roils and he thinks he might be sick. He leans over the edge of the bed and dry heaves a little, trying to steady his breathing once he’s sure he’s not going to puke. He chances a glance over his shoulder and finds Tyler sound asleep next to him. Jamie exhales a little too loudly and turns away, keeping on his side.

He doesn’t fall asleep.

~o~

They’ve got a promo event the next day involving autograph signings and fan interactions, but Jamie’s just spent the entire night trapped in his own head, wallowing in fear and misery and anger and regret, and he can barely muster a smile for PR when he and Tyler show up, trying to make sure he covers his mouth in time before he yawns hugely.

Tyler seems fixated on him with a permanent frown. “You okay?” he mutters when they’re set up in their spots at the autographs table.

“Didn’t sleep well last night,” Jamie mumbles. It’s not a lie.

He tries to be cheerful and friendly for the fans, especially the kids, he really does. He holds up his hand for high fives and tries not to cringe at how heavy his arm feels, how much effort it is to keep it in the air instead of limp on his lap or across the table. To his left, Tyler chats animatedly with a kid in a baseball hat who’s hiding behind his mother, and slowly the kid steps forward and smiles right back. Jamie envies that Tyler is so good with the fans. Jamie’s awkward at best even on a good day; he figures he must be giving PR a waking nightmare right now.

It’s yet another thing Jamie fails at; yet another thing Tyler does so much better. How can he even stand to do these events alongside such a monumental fuckup like Jamie?

By the time the event’s over, Jamie’s fighting to keep himself upright as they walk towards the car. Tyler doesn’t even bat an eye; he heads straight for the driver’s seat.

“You should maybe take a nap when we get back,” Tyler suggests. As if Jamie didn’t already want to do that.

Except when they get back to the house, Jamie doesn’t just head to his room for a nap. He closes the door behind him and locks it. Tyler didn’t follow him up; Jamie figures he’ll spend the afternoon in front of the TV instead. _All the better_ , he thinks. He can’t take the physical reminders of how much better Tyler is than him.

He flops into bed on his back and closes his eyes, but all he can see is the rink he won’t be skating on, the rink that will be filled with everyone but him. He opens them again not even five minutes later, sighing and pulling up his phone, searching for some form of distraction.

Jamie doesn’t even know what he’s staring at on his screen when there’s a knock on the door, followed by the twist and jam of the doorknob.

“Hey, Jamie, you awake?” Tyler asks.

“Yeah.”

“You locked the door?”

“Yeah.”

“Kay, well, d’you wanna come out? Daddy’s back in town, he wants to go out for supper.”

“I don’t feel like it. You go.”

“Are you okay?”

“Fine. But you should go.” Jamie tries to mask the slight waver in his voice.

“Are you sure?” Tyler’s voice is tentative, gentle. Jamie’s heart sinks. He knows. He must know.

“Really, you should go,” Jamie says. “There’s no point in you lounging around here doing nothing.” _Especially not when I’m useless to you like this. You don’t want to spend an evening here. You don’t want to spend any more time here, period._ “Go on and have a good time.”

“All right, then. I’ll bring you back leftovers.” There’s a smile to his voice, but Jamie can’t bring himself to smile back.

The moment the footsteps fade down the stairs, Jamie’s out of bed and standing in front of the door, hand frozen just out of reach of the handle. He doesn’t – he wants – but he can’t. He’s just driven Tyler away, and it’s just what he wanted but it’s not what he wanted at all, but Tyler must’ve wanted to leave, must want to get away from Jamie and away from all the hassle of taking care of his sorry ass all this time and oh god, the room’s spinning.

The next thing he knows, Jamie’s sitting slumped with his back against the door, eyes screwed shut to try to shut away the light-headedness. Suddenly all of his mistakes are rushing back to him and his stomach’s churning and he can taste the bile in his mouth and his hands are shaking and he can’t catch his breath and it’s all his fault, he wasn’t strong enough to prevent any of this even though things had been going so well and he should’ve known it was too good to last.

He tries to reason with himself, tries to tell himself _no, this isn’t how it is, this is all just a trick, it’s all in my head, it’s not true,_ but he can’t bring himself to believe it, no matter how hard he tries.

He feels like he’s drowning. He tips his head back against the door and lets out a dry sob. _Why won’t this go away?_ He’s starting to think it never will. He can get better all he likes, but in the end, this feeling will always come right back. Oh god, he’s so fucked up.

There’s a lot of missing time, but Jamie hears it when the front door opens and Tyler steps back into the house. He hears the footsteps bounding up the stairs, feels the rattling of the door when Tyler tries to open it and realizes it’s still locked.

“Jamie?”

“Yeah?” Jamie’s voice is hoarse and cracked, and it would be surprising if he had the capacity to feel that way right now.

There’s a sudden movement from the other side of the door, as if Tyler had jumped. “Are you gonna open the door?”

Jamie’s throat constricts miserably. “No.”

“Why not?” Tyler sounds concerned, but Jamie knows it’s not genuine, knows this is all just one big useless chore.

_But it’s not a chore. It can’t be. It just can’t._

“You don’t want to come in,” Jamie says anyways. He can’t help it, but he hates himself for saying the words anyways.

“Wait, what?”

“You don’t want to come in,” Jamie repeats. He’s trembling so hard, the door is actually shaking against him.

“Jamie, what’s going on?” Tyler asks, a note of urgency in his voice. “What makes you say that?”

Jamie shakes his head forcefully, then remembers that Tyler can’t see him. “You don’t really want to know. You don’t want to be held down. You want to go out and have fun and be social and skate with people who are healthy who are gonna do well and you don’t want any of this.” He shouldn’t be saying these things, he can’t be saying these things, but they’re flooding out of him anyways and it’s only a matter of time before he loses it completely.

He hears Tyler’s sharp intake of breath and doubles over, clutching his knees close to his chest.

“Hey, hold up a minute.” Tyler’s voice is soft, gentle. “What does any of that have to do with whether or not I want to come in and see you?”

 _He’s not denying it,_ Jamie thinks, panic rising, and suddenly he’s gasping for breath again. _He’s not denying it, that means he doesn’t want this, he’s not denying it, oh god, but that’s reading into things too much, isn’t it? Isn’t it?? But he’s not denying it._

“Everything,” Jamie croaks.

There’s a shuffling, sliding noise against the door. “Jamie, I need you to talk to me,” Tyler says. His voice is coming from somewhere along the same level as Jamie’s head. “What happened?”

He’s numb all over. This is all so wrong. He can’t do this. Why is he doing this?

“You try to do stuff for me but it’s like a chore,” Jamie says in one breath. He rushes through everything that comes out. “You do it because you feel like you have to, not because you want to. You don’t like this. You wish you didn’t have to. And I’m not getting any better and I’m not going to be ready for training camp and I’m just not as good as you are at recovering and you don’t want that, you want to be with someone on your level and I’m just so far down that –”

“Whoa, Jamie, stop it, stop talking right now,” Tyler interrupts. There’s a note of force to his voice, but it’s higher than usual. “This isn’t you, okay? Your mind is playing tricks on you. None of that is true. You know that, right?”

 _You say that, but –_ Jamie desperately tries to stomp that thought down. Tyler’s telling the truth, he has to be, and Jamie knows it, he really does, but why is he so fucking scared of being wrong?

He doesn’t even realize he’s hyperventilating, but there’s more missing time before he realizes that Tyler’s speaking to him again. “You’re okay, babe, and you have to tell yourself that. You have to believe that you’re okay.”

Jamie hugs his knees to his chest as he shakes and shakes, because he wants to believe it so badly, but he knows that right now, he’s the farthest thing from okay, because the air is thick with dread all around him and everything Tyler’s telling him makes sense yet he still can’t accept it as the truth.

“I’m scared,” he blurts out before he can stop himself. “I don’t know why I’m thinking like this and I can’t make it stop and it’s fucking terrifying.”

“You need to go to sleep,” Tyler says immediately. “Sleep on it, give your mind a chance to rest. It’ll be better once you do.”

“I’m not letting you in,” Jamie says automatically, and it’s like a knife is twisting in his own gut as he says it.

“I just want to help you,” Tyler replies gently. “It’s not because I have no choice or anything like that. I want to, okay? And right now I just want whatever will help you the most.”

“I can never sleep when I’m upset.” It comes out barely more than a whisper.

“You have to try.”

Jamie dimly wonders why this matters so much. He doesn’t have the strength to stand. It’s weak and pathetic and stupid, but it feels like Tyler’s given him an order, telling him he has to try, and so Jamie crawls. He crawls on his hands and knees and when he reaches the bed he manages to pull himself until most of his body is lying on top of the covers and then he just lays there, motionless.

“Did you get into bed?” Tyler’s voice sounds much farther away, now.

“Mm.”

“I’m right here if you need me. You just have to call if you do, okay?”

Jamie buries his face in the blanket so that his, “Yeah,” will be muffled. God, this is so stupid. He feels dirty, but so different from the time he didn’t shower. He doesn’t think he could wash it away this time.

Tyler doesn’t say anything else, and Jamie doesn’t think he’d be able to talk anymore tonight anyways. Instead, he shifts on the bed, unable to get comfortable. Nothing feels right anymore, but nothing feels entirely real either. Everything’s hazy and he’s floating and sinking all at once, unable to make sense of anything. He’s on the edge of panic, but there’s a strange calmness to it too. It’s the closest he can get to forgetting, the closest he can get to sleep.

It’ll have to do.

~o~

Jamie’s alarm goes off the next morning, but it needn’t have. He’s already awake, has been for pretty much the entire night, again. He groans and rolls himself out of bed, nearly falling over when his legs can’t hold himself up right away. But he’s got to meet Dave again today and so he has no choice but to get moving. He makes his way to the door, unlocks it, and bites back a gasp.

Tyler’s slumped against the wall next to the door, eyes closed and mouth open slightly, head drooping against his shoulder. Instantly the guilt overwhelms him, because he didn’t let Tyler in last night and it’s his fault Tyler fell asleep on the floor instead of in a proper bed. Jamie doesn’t know what to do, doesn’t know how to process this, so he tiptoes past Tyler’s sleeping form and heads downstairs to make coffee. He makes extra and leaves it in the pot, a measly gesture of goodwill but the only thing he can possibly muster right now. It’s not enough, will never be enough, but Jamie silently prays that it’ll count for something.

He heads to the practice facility by himself, figuring Tyler can head over to train on his own, when he’s ready. Everything seems to be going in slow motion this morning. He gets honked at when he doesn’t hit the gas after a red light changes to green, and he almost forgets to check left-right-left at a stop sign, and he just knows that today is going to be tiring and slow and terrible.

The morning passes by in a slow-moving blur. Jamie doesn’t really remember going through any of his exercises at all, doesn’t remember his workouts, or the things Dave tells him. He finishes up and drives home, noting that Tyler’s car is missing from the driveway, and once he’s inside he collapses onto the couch. For a moment, the world spins, and Jamie wishes it would stop, because he’s so very tired and he can’t do this anymore. Then everything goes black.

~o~

Jamie wakes to the smell of garlic and spaghetti sauce. He dimly wonders why, but he’s too tired to bother figuring it out. He slowly blinks himself awake and checks his watch. Seems he’s been asleep for three hours. Huh. Well, he kind of needed it. Kind of needs more, of he’s being honest with himself, but at least it’s a start.

Eventually, he manages to pull himself upright, and a bit after that, push himself to stand. He stays still for a minute, blinking and yawning, until he finally shuffles over to the kitchen.

Tyler’s there, scooping some noodles onto plates. He turns when he hears Jamie enter, and offers a tentative smile.

“I made dinner,” he says, motioning to the plates.

Jamie nods, a lump caught in his throat. He doesn’t trust himself to speak right now.

They eat together at the table in silence. It’s not uncomfortable, but it feels heavy, somehow, like they’ve both been sapped of their energy. Then again, Jamie thinks, maybe they both are.

Neither of them says anything until they’ve both finished. Tyler stands, reaching for the plates, but Jamie manages, “No, let me,” and takes his and Tyler’s plates to the sink. Tyler slept in the hallway because of him and then made him supper, and picking up after him is the least Jamie can do. He notices the coffee pot is cleaned out and empty on the counter.

“Let’s go for a walk?” Tyler suggests. Jamie swallows and nods.

There’s a nice bike path in the neighbourhood that’s also a convenient walking route. It’s a warm day, but there’s a light breeze. It’s good weather. Jamie lets his eyes drift shut a few times and just breathes. He can feel his lungs expanding, can feel the tension leaving his body. Maybe he needed this more than he thought.

On an impulse, he reaches for Tyler’s hand. Tyler grips back instantly, interlacing their fingers together and squeezing gently. Jamie reciprocates, and Tyler smiles at him.

“Feeling better?” Tyler asks.

Jamie nods. “I’m sorry about the past two days.”

Tyler waves it off instantly. “Don’t be. I know it’s not your fault. It was just a bad moment, right? But it passed. You’re okay now.”

Jamie nods again. He doesn’t really know what else he should do. After the past two days, he would have thought he’d ruined things completely between them. But for some reason, Tyler’s still here, making Jamie supper and holding his hand on a walk in the park.

“Come back to bed with me tonight?” Jamie asks. His heart’s pounding and his palms are sweaty, and he knows Tyler must be able to feel it.

But Tyler only grips his hand harder. “Of course,” he replies. His grin is blinding.

And Jamie finally smiles back.

**Author's Note:**

> Originally, I had no intention of writing this kind of addition to the series, but I had a bad episode last week and I've found that I cope best if I can channel it into writing. Admittedly writing this was really hard; it was as if I could never find the right words, so I just kind of vomited across the page and took what came out. Point is, sometimes stuff happens that's completely out of your control, no matter how well you've been doing for how long, and that can trigger all sorts of other terrible things because brains prey on insecurities and make you feel worthless. But if you can convince yourself it's not true, and if you have a good support network, it will pass, no matter how bad it may seem.
> 
> What I would really like to do at some point is write a segment from Tyler's POV where he has to figure out how to help a loved one who's suffering from depression, since I tend to write him as being really good about it. I don't know if I'll ever get around to it, though. 
> 
> Anyways, comments and kudos are greatly appreciated, as always. Feel free to come chat with me on tumblr. Thanks for taking the time to read this.
> 
> fic blog: nuanta-fic.tumblr.com


End file.
